How to handle the "Guy Pull-Back"

Oh, the “retiring boy.” Some of you know instantly what I’m talking about, while others may be scratching your head and thinking, “Huh?” Believe me, EVERYONE knows what I mean. But for the sake of starting on the same page, here is the basic definition of “man kick”:

When a man, who was chasing you at the beginning, stops chasing.

In its most benign form, “man kick” will include (but is not limited to) the following behaviors:

– Call (a little) less or not call for a couple of days in a row.

– Wanting to see you (a little) less than at first.

– Being (a bit) cold, distant or distant.

– Act (a little) less enthusiastic and confident about yourself and / or the relationship.

In its most extreme form, “man setback” can manifest itself in one or more of the following ways:

– Making you fly completely.

– Disappearing for a week at a time.

– By saying things like “I need space”, “I’m not sure how I feel” and “It’s not you, it’s me”.

– Making little or no effort to maintain the relationship or move things forward. Basically it checks it.

Handling “man kick” can be one of the most frustrating and terrifying things a woman deals with in her relationship. And, unfortunately, our natural instinct is to “get close” to our boy. I say “unfortunately” because that is the exact opposite of what you need to do. (And, most of the time, doing what is natural will have a disastrous result.) So here you go. Here’s how to handle “type backspace”:

1. Minimize it: One of the basic principles of the relationship is that the slower things go at first, the less your guy will back off. You know how I told you that it’s important not to be with your man every minute of the day? Why is it essential that you don’t give up your own life to spend time with him? Why do you have to slow down how often he wants to see you and sometimes say “no”? How important is it not to jump every time you ask? Sisters, THIS is the reason. Being out of reach and a little indecisive, you create HEAT. You create a burning desire. Nobody likes things that are too easy to get; especially men. When he has to work a little to attract and hold your attention, when he is allowed the opportunity to miss you, he is much less likely to back down. So in the beginning, your job is to stay calm. Let him initiate calls, texts and appointments. Let it chase. And stay busy with your life so seeing too much of it isn’t an option.

2. The Sex Factor: After sex, most men will regress to some degree. In a way, it is a test. You’re probably wondering if you’re going to act like most women before you and get all “girlfriend” and “relationship”. Again, if you have to WAIT a bit, you have to work a bit, you’re less likely to back off. No matter what, after having sex with a man for the first time, your job is to act like nothing has changed. You don’t start calling all the time (or answer all their calls on the first ring). You don’t get clingy or needy. You don’t ask for reassurance about your position or where the relationship is going. Keep calm. You don’t act differently. And this will generally prevent “post-sex flashback.”

3. Don’t pressure him to back down: With the way many women behave these days, it’s no wonder men back down. You’re not going to win her heart by baking cookies, posting sweet words on her Facebook wall, or buying her things. In fact, the more you “give” at the beginning, the more it will withdraw. The same goes for saying “I love you” first, trying to pressure him into a relationship, or trying to get things moving quickly. Let Him be the initiator. Let HIM be the first to say “big words” to you. Let HE be the one to secure a relationship. If you press, you may consent. But I bet that, in the not too distant future, you will have a boyfriend whose interest begins to wane. So what should I do? You should reciprocate. You should react. You should answer. Men need positive reinforcement and encouragement. But let him lead.

4. Be Encouraging, Not Suffocating – Your child may well be in throwback mode through no fault of your own. Perhaps you have an impending work deadline, are dealing with a disappointment or setback, or are trying to manage a crisis. If so, and everything is on track with your relationship, you will know. Why? Because he cares enough about you to tell you. Sure, you will probably still need your space; your own time to face it your way. I think it was John Gray in his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” who called this “entering the cave”. Your job is to quit. Men are often poor at multitasking. They have trouble handling several important things at once.

So here’s how you deal with “crisis rollback”: let him know you care, and then let him handle it himself. Say something like this: “I know (or I’m sorry) that you are going through ___.” I am here for you if you need me. “And then you leave him alone. Depending on the circumstances, he might hesitate to ask about it again. (Use your best judgment here.) For a bit; go ‘to the cave.’ “Come back. And never force him to discuss his” feelings “with you. If he wants to, he will. And he will be much more likely to do so if he doesn’t feel pressured.

5. Don’t believe the myths: when your guy retires, he will know. You will feel it in your stomach and you will simply feel that something is wrong. Don’t make the mistake of listening to well-meaning girlfriends who may say things like “He’s busy” or “He’s scared.” Here’s the truth: men make time for what is important to them. If he’s in love, he won’t go days without contacting you. It doesn’t matter if you are sick, drowning at work, or studying for exams. No man is too busy to send a quick text message or make a short call to a woman who cares. And men don’t usually “freak out” because they feel intensely for us. Sure they “get scared”, but usually it is because we have scared them. So identify the pullback. Say it (in your mind, NOT him, please) and don’t make excuses for him.

6. When you leave, leave it – Okay. Here it is; the crux of what we are talking about. You know their interest is waning. Keep calling, but not that much. He still wants to see you, but is less enthusiastic. It just seems … distant. Things just seem … out of place. You’re not sure why, but you do know that it IS; What they are. Then what do you do? Let’s start with the opposite first, with what you DON’T DO. DO NOT go near him. You don’t ask “What’s wrong?” or “Are we okay?” You don’t start baking cakes or writing poetry or buying gifts for her. You do not initiate calls or contact. You don’t make plans with him or ask him to meet your family. In fact, you stop all of that. You also go back. I like to say this: if he wants space, give him the galaxy. Being busy. Be hard to come by. It is out of reach again.

You sure are friendly. You’re great. You are not angry, hurt, or disappointed. (Okay, you probably are, but letting him know and getting mad at him won’t do either of you any good.) But let him know loud and clear, WITH YOUR ACTIONS, that his behavior is unacceptable and that you are not the type of girl to sit around waiting for him. And you certainly don’t want to reward their wrongdoing with attention (be it positive or negative). Doesn’t he call several times when he says he will? Guess what you do? You go out with your friends and don’t call him back for a day. (Or better yet, wait until he calls again before answering.) Playing, you say? Call it whatever you want. I like to think of it as showing a man how you will and will not be treated, in a language he understands.

Generally speaking, men do not respond well to women who behave emotionally and pressure them to reciprocate. They don’t like to answer questions like “What’s wrong with you?” and “Why are you acting like this?” What they do respond to is fear of losing something important to them. Show him how important you are. And the way you do it is by giving him space, by stepping back too, and giving him a chance to miss you. Pressing it or even giving the illusion of heading towards it will cause it to recede even further and quite possibly disappear altogether.

7. If he is seriously walking away, let him go. Here’s the “type kick” in its extreme form. Basically it is “withdrawal” or “withdrawal” and you are one quick step away from a “breakup”. If you continually cancel plans, constantly choose everything else BUT you, and go to all kinds of efforts to distance yourself from the relationship, then, girl, we have a problem. If he says things that mean that he doesn’t feel the same way or tells you directly that he needs time to think things over, then you should let him go. It won’t surprise you that the LAST thing you want to do is try to convince him to stay. Discussing things in depth or trying to negotiate some sort of resolution will do more harm than good.

So do yourself (and your self-esteem) a favor: no tears, no begging. Don’t bang your head against the wall so that he sees things your way and from your perspective. No fights or arguments. If he’s headed for the door, open it WIDE for him. What a blackout, midnight, not even a DARK night light. Stay away from him. And use the time to resolve that you don’t deserve someone who is willing to put you aside. Do this and it is very likely that you will eventually recover. But if (and when) it does, will you really want it more? Hmmmm.

I like to think of the whole “man kick” thing as some kind of dating physics. What is that law of motion that Newton came up with? Ah, sure, here it is … “For every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction; or the forces of two bodies to each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions.” Those science geeks may think this is a crude analogy, but it’s one that I can wrap my brain around and imagine in my head. Here’s how it works: He backs off, you back off. He moves away from you, you away from him. It really is simple. But this is what Isaac Newton did not anticipate (at least when it comes to HUMAN bodies): responding to its recoil with an equal recoil yourself will almost always cause another reaction – it will once again move towards you.

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